Sadly bad stuff happens in life. In fact every day as the news is broadcast across television, internet and other news media sources; children are seeing and hearing about events that may have them asking questions.
As parents we naturally want to protect our children from tragedy ,however rather than avoiding explanations, or brushing them off with “you don’t need to worry about that“, it’s important to begin conversations with children by focussing on making children feel safe in their immediate world , rather than their fears associated with the events they may have seen or heard.
Some of the best advice I have heard in this area was by a man called Fred Rodgers (an American educator) who once said , “When I was a boy and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me ,”look for the helpers, you will always find people helping”.
So following on from this valuable advice – looking for the helpers amidst the tragedy, is a good way to begin conversations with children about bad stuff. Initially try and find out what your children already know, they may know a lot or very little about the event, either way it’s a good starting point for conversations. Children may be experiencing a whole range of emotions ranging from fear, anger, or sadness. Using age appropriate language the focus needs to be kept on building their sense of safety and security and making sense of the world around them, whilst at the same time acknowledging their emotions.
So for example a discussion regarding the recent train tragedy in Spain might be:
“A very sad thing happened in a country called Spain where a train was going too fast and crashed into a wall. People were hurt and some people died. But many people were taken to the hospital where the doctors looked after them and made them better. Trains run all the time and this was a very unusual event. Usually trains are safe and fun to travel on. The police are helping to find out why the train was travelling too fast so that we can be sure it is safe to travel on trains again. The police here make sure it is safe to travel on our trains and even keep us safe in our neighbourhood.”
It’s important to focus on all the people who do help to keep us safe. You could mention police, ambulance officers, teachers, and football or netball coaches, even babysitters all keep us safe in different parts of our life. Talking to children about the people who keep them safe and then doing some “what ifs” there was an emergency, who would keep them safe, can reassure and help your child develop resilience.
When your child bites another we often react with shock and disappointment and other parents around us are appalled and disapproving. Biting is no worse than swearing, hitting or pushing however the parental response is often out of proportion to the “crime” of biting. Biting is one way young children communicate so if you have a “snappy” toddler here are 5 things to consider:
- Your child might be expressing emotions for which they don’t have words. Start emotional literacy early giving children words for their feelings and using them in everyday language: “I feel uncomfortable when you lean on me like that”.
- Young children use their mouths to experiment with their world. Be vigilant and get in early before your child bites. Know your child’s warning signs and gently remove them from the situation when biting seems a likely response.
- Biting is a useful tool for defence particularly when there is competition. It works. Reduce competition for coveted toys and parental attention particularly when other children are around.
- Your child might be using biting to gain power and control over complex situations they are not developmentally ready to deal with. Sharing and turn taking are difficult tasks to master; even adults are challenged some times. Help your child to understand biting isn’t useful and share your skills when you have to wait or share: “sometimes when I feel impatient and have to wait I sing a little song to myself to pass the time”.
- Be positive and watch for good non-biting behaviour. It’s the old advice: catch them being good and give them really solid information about how they are being good: “when you told Jacob that it was your turn for the toy I felt really pleased that you used your words. “
Be patient. Like most difficult childhood behaviours biting will pass as children grow and enter the next developmental stage of emotional maturity.